


The Art of Grief

by theIronStark3000



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Jedi Apprentice Series - Jude Watson & Dave Wolverton, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Loves Obi-Wan Kenobi, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Dynamics, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grief/Mourning, Healing, Human Disaster Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Mentioned Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi Loves Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Padawan Anakin Skywalker, Parental Plo Koon, Platonic Soulmates, Post-Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Protective Anakin Skywalker, References to the Jedi Council (Star Wars), Sad with a Happy Ending, Wakes & Funerals, Young Anakin Skywalker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26655730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theIronStark3000/pseuds/theIronStark3000
Summary: On the cusp of young adulthood and Knighthood, Obi-Wan Kenobi finds his way on shaky ground. The one in which the  student becomes the  teacher with the help of friends, the Force, and the lessons of a beloved Master.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Jedi Council, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Plo Koon, Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 29
Kudos: 122





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this fic to my own beloved, late Master who imparted many lessons of wisdom and light.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._  
_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge._  
_There is no passion, there is serenity._  
_There is no chaos, there is harmony._  
_There is no death, there is the Force._

_-The Jedi Code_

Obi-Wan can feel the broken bond leaking and bleeding into the Force. _Kriffing hell._ Obi-Wan can't breath. His chest hurts with every contraction. They aches and spasms struggling to get enough oxygen. His head feels like its under water. His vison darkness and his heart races in his chest, a sob expels from his chest.

The tears pour out of him, hot like the lava on Mustafar as they roll down his cheek. He feels like Maul stabbed him in the gut, and immediately, the Padawan to a far worse than death. He fears he'll leave Naboo forever marred by this moment. 

He sobs rocking back and forth cradling his Master's still, lifeless form. "Please take me instead. Spare me this. I-I cannot bare to lose him.", Obi-Wan begged, pleading with the Force. He is met with deafening silence, nothingness from the Force.

Time feels like it has stopped, the Padawan weeps until he has made himself ill. He moves away from the body to retch, heaving on hands and knees. Almost afraid to move for fear of passing out or vomiting again, Obi-Wan remains very still until the nausea passes.

Still feeling dizzy and shaky, Kenobi wipes his mouth on his sleeve, and tries to compose himself. The tears are silent, quiet, anguish as he closes his Master's eye and folds his wrinkled hands against the his gentle giant form.

The Padawan presses a kiss against his forehead, and covers his Master with his cloak. Before Kenobi leaves the hallowed halls behind, he clips Qui-Gon's fallen 'saber to his belt. 

Obi-Wan takes a steadying breath, " _There is no emotion, there is peace."_ It feels like the biggest lie ever. Kenobi tries to quiet his rapid, overwhelmed busy mind, and fails miserably. His hurt feels too raw, too massive to release into the Force.

When he approaches the throne room, Padme stiffens, she knows something horrible must've happened for the Senior Padawan to look so ghastly and haunted.

Gone is the shy, unobtrusive, shadow that linger at his Master's side, and in walks, a haunted, shaken, man. He bows respectfully, ever the diplomat even in this god-awful, terrible moment. 

She might laugh sadly if her own heart wasn't shattered. It was difficult to not like Jinn, her heart aches for Anakin and Obi-Wan. She quite had like Jinn, his joyful, rooted, and boisterous nature. M

His padawan had been the stark opposite, but she supposed that is what made Jinn and Kenobi a well suited pair; 

"I-I regret to inform you that Master Jinn perished in battle, Your Highness.", Obi-Wan's voice level until he announces his Master's death.

She can hear the silent, wobble of his voice, the weariness and emotion. If she notices the tears welling in his eyes, and the quick, polite swallows to calm his breath, Padme does not speak of them.

"I'm very sorry to hear that. However we can be of help, please let me know." 

"I must call the Jedi Temple.", Obi-Wan sniffles, wiping his tears discreetly. He worries his hands underneath his robe, his body riddled with tension and hurt. 

"Of course." 

"I must prepare the body, and sit vigil." 

"Name it, and I'll have the handmaidens gather the supplies."

"All I ask is for privacy and quiet." 

"Of course." 

* * *

The next few hours are nothing but a numb blur to Obi-Wan. The Council is on their way, and will arrive on Naboo within eighteen standard hours.

Anakin is being cared for by Padme's handmaidens. He removes Qui-Gon's tattered clothing, tenderly washing his body and anointing him with oil offering the ancient prayer of the Jedi.

He asks the Force to guide his Master's spirit, that he would not linger or be troubled but find rest. It is a final act of kindness to braid his Master's hair one last time.

Once the body is washed, dressed, and cared for, Kenobi presses a final kiss to his Master's temple, "Goodbye, Master", he whispers draping the body with a light cloth. 

He accepts the light meal Padme left outside the door for him, bread, cheese, grapes, and water. Obi-Wan will remain awake through the evening, fasting, chanting and mediate, keeping watch over his Master's form, where he will remain until the morning light breaks.

Master Yoda’s heart aches to find Obi-Wan sound asleep, prone on the floor in a child's pose, next to his master’s still form. Poor thing must be exhausted if he had fallen asleep in the middle mediation. 

Even asleep, the Grand Master feels the overwhelming _anguish-ache-love-loyalty-hurt-guilt_ the youngest one of his lineage projects under the surface. His heart ached, knowing how the loss of Jinn stings for young Obi-Wan. 

He gently shakes Obi-Wan’s prone form, “Padawan, awake you must.”

“M-master Yoda?”

”Well you have done. Care let us for your Master.”

  
  


“I-I don’t want to leave him.”

“Here you will not find your Master, but within your heart, young one.”, the Ancient one places his hand over Obi-Wan’s heart, he does not chide or scold the boy.

“I-I-I don’t know what to do without him.”, Obi-Wan’s lip wobbles. Master Yoda gently wipes away his tears.   
  
  


“The teachings and lessons of Qui-Gon Jinn are within you alive and well. He is One with the Force as he always as been, just as you are.”, Yoda reminds tenderly, care and affection in his voice. 

  
  


“Everything hurts, Grand Master.”

”Peace, little one. Help I will to quiet you mind.”

Obi-Wan closes his eyes, he feels Master Yoda reach out to him in the Force. He helps to close the gaping wound in Kenobi’s head. The severed bond is no longer weeping and bleeding into the Force.   
  


“Ohhh.”, Obi-Wan groans holding his head in ache. It feels heavy, and achy, like its filled with sand, still preferable to the sharp, radiating ache that had been. The Senior Padawan wants nothing more than to take a hot shower, and collapse in bed. He knows there are many things to do before he can simply collapse. 

"Rest, padawan. Clean yourself up, and check on the boy. The Council expects to revive an initial report this afternoon, and there are funeral plans to be made."

Obi-Wan bows respectfully before taking his leave. He finds Anakin asleep in the guest quarters Padme's staff prepared. He is thankful they kept an eye on the boy while he tended to Qui-Gon.

He quietly showers, biting his lip to keep his sobs from waking the child. Kenobi lets the warm water heat until it scolds his skin painfully, and he is red, the external ache lessens his internal one.

He dresses in a clean change of clothes, and curls into bed beside the boy. Anakin sleepily noses against his chest, wrapping himself against Kenobi's warmth.

Kenobi's tired brain screams at him, "Must protect the boy. My Padawan. Mine. _Not Qui-Gon's_ , mine." Obi-Wan closes his heavy eyes, tries to will his headache away. He doesn't settle into sleep quite yet as he hears Anakin's soft, voice call for him.

"Master Jedi?" 

"Oh, I'm not a _Master_ , Anakin. Just Obi-Wan." It smarts to be hear that title used for him. 

  
  


"Obi, you were gone for a long time. Are you okay?", the boy inquires. 

"I had to tend to Master Jinn's body.", Kenobi swallows heavily. He can feel that Anakin is not upset, just curious. 

"I missed you." 

Obi-Wan recoils internally at Anakin's words. He swallows his anger and hurt. _You didn't even like me that much! Y_ ou wanted Qui-Gon to be your teacher not me. Obi Wan is never anyone's first choice.

"And I missed you. I heard you are quite the pilot. Without you, Naboo would not be saved.", pride bleeds through Obi-Wan's voice.

"You're sad because Master Jinn is not here.", Anakin frowns. 

"It is normal to feel sad when one dies, little one." 

"Is he really gone?"

Obi-Wan's voice catches, " 'fraid so."

"My Mom says hugs make everyone feel better. Can I hug you, Obi-Wan?"

  
  
"Of course."

He does not object to the little boy's clingy, octopus like hug. Anakin is used to physical affection, though Obi-Wan is not. He will not deny his Padawan a measure of familiarity and kindness.

_Even if Qui-Gon wanted to replace him with Anakin_ , he will not take it out on the child. Obi-Wan swallows his feelings of **hurt-betrayal rejection,** accepting Anakin's attempts to sooth him.

They both fall asleep shortly, tired and weary from battle. Obi-Wan dreams of his Master’s death over and over again. Sleep is elusive and challenging to find. 

* * *

Before the funeral pryer is lite that evening, Obi-Wan meets with Master Yoda privately to discuss the Council's discussion regarding his knighthood. He knows he's too hold for another Master to take him on.

If Obi-Wan is not knight, then his desire to a Jedi will be for naught and he will take leave. A poor end after a painful begging, and constant struggle to become a Jedi Knight. It would shame Qui-Gon's linage if it were to end here like this, Obi-Wan thinks. 

"Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight, the Council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your Padawan learner I do not." 

"Qui-Gon believed in him."

Master Yoda sighs, Obi-Wan's loyalty to Qui-Gon bleeds through the Force.

"The chosen one the boy may be. Nevertheless, grave danger I fear in his training." 

"Master Yoda, I gave Qui-Gon my word. I will train Anakin. _Without_ the approval of the Council, if I must." 

"Qui-Gon's defiance, I sense in you. Need that you do not." 

"Once you did not want me to be trained either.", Obi-Wan reminds the Grand Master sharply.

"Agree with you the Council does. Your apprentice Skywalker will be."

"Would it be alright if I burned the braid along with my Master's body?", Obi-Wan swallowed. 

"Unusual it may be, this act of mourning I will not deny you." 

"Thank you, Master." 

Obi-Wan is ushered into a quiet, darkened room illumined with Candles. He joins several Councilors under the rotunda. It feels quiet, solemn, sorrowful, it is not the day of celebration one's knighthood should be. He squeezes his eyes shut, knowing the tears are threatening to fall. He does not want to cry in front of the Council. The one he wishes could cut his braid is not here. 

"For an act of courage in defeating a sith, we decided to knight you, young one. No one in Thousands of years has vanquished the darkness of the Sith. You should be proud of the formable, warrior you have become.", Master Windu encouraged.

"For the act of loyalty, we decided to knight you. You did not abandon your Master in his final hours, and carefully tended to him. You have always possessed such dedication, Kenobi.", Mundi spoke. 

"For a passion of study, and learning, you have always been among the top students among your agemates. May your passion for learning and knowledge continue to guide you.", Shaak spoke. 

"For perseverance and resilience, despite every challenge you've faced, Obi-Wan, you always get back up again and keep fighting.", Master Plo admires. 

"For enduring the loss of one's master itself will be a trial, you continue to face. May you be guided by the Force.", Eeth added. 

"For courage, not easy to take a padawan learner so soon after a loss, even for a Jedi Master. Thank you, we do, for your dedication and willingness.", Yoda adds. 

"Kneel, Kenobi.", Mace requests.

"By the right of the Council, by the will of the Force, I dub thee Jedi, Knight of the Republic.", Master Yoda cuts Obi-Wan's braid. 

  
Tears stream down Obi-Wan's face, he does not feel worth of the knighthood bestowed upon him. He cries silently, accepting the lock of hair gently placed in his hand by his Grand Master. There is a finality in this moment, he has become a Jedi Knight without his Master at his side. No one admonishes Kenobi's grief, rather Plo guides him gently into the refresher and helps him collect himself. 

There is no closure not from the knighting ceremony or from the funeral prye. The worst part of it all is being forced to attend the pomp and circumstance of the parade. Master Jinn would not have liked the ceremony. It didn't sit right with Obi-Wan, the very public nature of the Nabooians wanting to honor his Master. He wanted to be left alone, to weep, to sleep, to scream, to simply be. The sooner they get back to the Temple, the better, Obi-Wan just wants peace and quiet. 

Whom ever wrote the Jedi Code could kriff off into a black hole as far as Obi-Wan Kenobi was concerned. _There is no death._ Bantha poo doo. If that's the case then why does he feel this gigantic, vast all consuming hole has taken residence on his chest?

Their bond is broken, an inky, twisted, void that was once vibrant, alive, and joyful. His body physically aches, phantom aches groan and tugs at Kenobi's abdomen. Even if Master Yoda helped to close the bond, the absence of Qui-Gon feels impossible. and Obi-Wan isn't sure he will ever fully recover from it.


	2. Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early update for 9/27 
> 
> When Obi-Wan arrives at the Temple, he is swept up in his emotions.

Their arrival at the Temple is painful. It does not feel like home, rather more like a tomb. Everywhere he looks reminds him of what he lost Masters walking alongside their Padawans. Every time he saw a tall hooded Jedi Master his heart leaped with excitement until he realized his Master was gone. His brain had not processed the fact Jinn is no longer alive. His eyes sweep rooms and favorite spaces for Qui-Gon. His body itches to search every favorite nook and cranny of the Temple for him. 

  
On autopilot, Kenobi lets his body take them home, everything feels like a foggy, blur of memories and sensations. Obi-Wan swallows the tears as they arrive at the apartment. His fingers gently trace the name plate _Jinn/Kenobi._ Anakin squeezes his hand, feeling his Master’s mind quiet.He’s never meet anyone like himself. Master Obi-Wan’s mind is busy like a bee hive. Always buzzing with ideas, thoughts, and feelings. Anakin can’t read this thoughts without permission but he can feel just how overactive and busy his Master’s mind is, the undercurrent of _sadness-anxiety-uncertainty-overwhelmed_ lingers.

Obi-Wan opens the door and takes a shaky step into the quarters. It feels strange to walk into this space without Master Jinn. The living room is an organized disaster. He catalogues the record player, the massive collection of plants, the book shelf adore with knick knacks, the sleepy loth cat, the stripped colorful mediation cushions, and the worn blanket draped on the back of the couch.

His easel with an unfinished sketch resides in the corner, Obi-Wan swallows thickly. He feels like the sketch, empty and devoid of color. _Unfinished. Left behind. Forgotten._

Obi-Wan’s voice catches as he tries to fight tears again, “Welcome Home, Anakin.”   
  


“Wow!”, Anakin whispered. He laughed when the loth cat rubbed his head against his leg.   
  


“That’s Theo.”, Obi-Wan gave a soft sad smile. _Kriffing hell_. Two beings Qui-Gon adopted and forced Obi-Wan to care for, how befitting. 

  
Anakin is just one other thing that tried to supplant Kenobi’s place in Qui-Gon’s life. Obi-Wan feels impossibly consumed by his anger and resentment. He doesn’t know how to keep it self-contained. Gods, he does not deserve to be a Jedi Knight. Kenobi knows what it's like to have a Master broken by grief, scatter brained and forgetful, closed off and unreachable, resentful and hurt. Guilt quickly replaces his feelings of anger and resentment, Anakin is a child, he should not project his intrusive thoughts towards the student, but the Master. His big, bantha stupid, stubborn Master who always tried to uproot and replace Obi-Wan.  
  


Kenobi thanks the Force for foresight, his quarters are neatly kept and it is not difficult to find his things. He gingerly collects his things and put them into boxes. He settles them in the hallway for now.   
  


“This will be your room.”

”Was this your room?”, Anakin asks.   
  


“Yes.”, Obi-Wan answered as he stripped the bed and put clean sheets on the twin mattress.   
  


“And you’ll sleep in Master Jinn’s room?”, Anakin swallows, his hands fiddle with a lose string on his tunic.   
  


“I was going to be leaving soon anyway.”, Kenobi shrugged.   
  


“Why?”

”Master Jinn was going to take you as his Padawan. I would no longer be his student. Either I would be knighted or asked to leave the Temple.” 

Anakin panicked, “Wait!? The Jedi can kick you out.”

”If one does not become a knight, they serve the order in other ways as farmers, teachers, healers and explorers."  
  


“Will they kick me out?”

”I promised that you’d become a Jedi, didn’t I?” _No one will kick you out, your the Chosen one._ Obi-Wan thought miserably.

"You did.", Anakin sighed quietly. 

"Why don't you unpack? When you finish, find me, and we'll go to the refectory for lunch." 

"Okay." 

Obi-Wan ruffles Anakin's hair trying desperately to display care and affection. He tries to cross the hallway and enter Qui-Gon's room, he feels like a little boy playing pretend. He doesn't feel like a grown up, Jedi Knight. It feels wrong to enter Jinn's personal space, but his brain reminds him that Qui-Gon isn't here anymore, his feelings no longer exist. His first order of business is to strip Qui-Gon's bed and replace them with clean sheets. The quarter master had given him a clean, new comforter, but Obi-Wan found he'd rather keep Qui-Gon's for now. It smelled like his Master, bringing him a measure of comfort and reassurance.

Kenobi dreads the task of clearing Jinn's room, it is too much to deal with today. But he feels proud of himself for making a small space in the closet for his robes, and sets his boxes neatly on the floor. Over the next few weeks, he will slowly begin to put his things along Qui-Gon's coexisting in this space with his Master. But for right now, Obi-Wan cannot bare to touch anything. He just wants to leave it be for right now. 

He decides to sit on the floor, undoing his boots gingerly. Obi-Wan strips off his tabards, outer tunic, cloak, until he's just in his beige compression shirt, and leggings. He pulls a worn, emerald sweatshirt on, and his soft temple shoes. Obi-Wan rests his head on his knees, he does not weep. He just closes his eyes, pressing his face into Qui-Gon's sweatshirt, and tries to center himself. If he's still for too long, then the exhaustion and sleeplessness catches up with him. The young man eventually curls into a ball on the floor pulling his Master's cloak around him as quiet tears paint his cheek.

Anakin watches quietly from the hallway, he knows Obi-Wan hasn't been sleeping well, or eating much for that matter. When his Master thinks his apprentice sleeping, he weeps and cries. He knows Obi-Wan has terrible nightmares. They shared a a room in Naboo, he knows that Obi-Wan is not well. Adults don't like to tell children when they're sad, hurt or upset. He remembers the time when food was scare, and his mother would sneak bits of her food onto Anakin's plate.

He gives Obi-Wan nearly an hour of rest and quiet while Anakin tinkers quietly with the gadget he packed. Anakin can take care of his Master, he thinks. He can remind him to eat, to sleep, and stop to play. He will make it his job to take care of his master. On Tatooine, you had to take care of each other. The desert is cruel, harsh, and volatile, if you aren't careful it can swallow you whole. Grief, Anakin muses must be like the desert. 

* * *

They walk down the halls together, hand in hand, it's unusual, Anakin thinks. He doesn't see any of the other Masters hold their Padawans hands. But he doesn't want to let go of Obi-Wan, afraid a strong wind might just blow his Master away. Even after a nap, Obi-Wan's movements are slow and sluggish, he's worn out and fragile. Three days of grief, travel though hyerspace, and the newness of caring for an overactive, traumatized child have caught up to the young Knight. 

As they walk down the halls, Obi-Wan can head the whispers of pity, gossip, and interest around him:

“Did you hear the _Sith Killer was knighted on Naboo?”_

_”Maybe if Master Jinn didn’t defy the Council so much, he’d still be alive.”_

_”Do you really think the boy is the Chosen on?”_

_”What makes you think Kenobi actually killed the Sith? Not even his Master could?!”_

The whispered voices of people are him feel more like shouts than whispers. Obi-Wan’s heart thumps loudly as he tightens his shields. He resists the urge to over his ears with his hand, and tightens his hold on Anakin’s hand, guiding him through the Temple.   
  


<“ _Come along, Anakin_.”> Obi-Wan guided over their new bond. It felt warm, steady, and expansive, he hadn’t explored it all yet. It was too painful, reminding him of the one he lost. 

He could feel Anakin’s excitement and millions of questions buzzing in the boy’s mind. Kenboi did not have the energy to give him a tour of the Temple. It could wait until later.   
  


<“This is the Temple?! It’s so big!”>, Anakin projected, exasperated and excited. He was bouncing up and down on his feet.   
  
  


<“Yes, this is the Temple, little one. I promise to give you a tour later.>”, he laughs, concealing his exhaustion and overstimulation. 

<“Wizard.”>

  
They arrive at the refractory, and Obi-Wan feels Anakin's anxiety spike. The boy is overwhelmed by the number of people, the noise, the choices. He knows it's all so new to Anakin, it makes his heart ache for the boy. Gods, this isn't fair to either of them. Again, guilt-shame-regret flood Obi-Wan's mind, he doesn't know how to do this. It makes him want Qui-Gon to steady him. He swallows his tears, and thinks about how Anakin must be feeling. He remembers what's like to be a Padawan, the weight of everyone's judgment and expectation. No one wanted to be Obi-Wan's Master, he was too angry, too passionate, too unpredictable. Something within steels the hurt, the uncertainty, as the protectiveness his beginning to feel takes root in his heart. 

The Force whispers to Obi-Wan, their destiny is interwoven, Anakin and Obi-Wan are two sides of the same coin. He has been this scared, overwhelmed little boy before. Obi-Wan feels that he and Anakin are awfully similar. Anakin needs him to be a tree planted by the river, solid steady, unmovable. This boy needs him to be kind and compassionate, steady and strong, silly and joyful, resilient and unyielding, sorrowful and mourning. To be simply himself, even in all his sadness, uncertainty, doubt, and rejection, to be Obi-Wan Kenobi, not some pale, imitation of his deceased Master. 

Obi-Wan summons his courage, kneeling beside Anakin, blocking out the noise and excitement of the refectory. He shields Anakin with the Force, wrapping him in the warm and care. He takes Anakin's hand, and brushes his braid affectionately, Kenobi knows the boy is refusing to look at him. Anakin feels afraid, unsure, unsteady, he always wants to be brave, confident, and big. 

"Little one, please look at me."

"I-I. It's so much.", Anakin's voice wobbles, he fidgets with the edge of his sleeve. 

"Shh, all will be well. It's okay to be scared, overwhelmed or unsure. Everything has changed so quickly, even grown ups feel the way you do, Ani." 

"Did Master Jinn ever feel scared?", Anakin asks. 

"Yes, little one. Even big, strong Master Jinn felt scared." 

"Are you scared, Obi-Wan?" 

"Yes, Anakin. This is all new to me too. I've never been someone's teacher before.", Obi-Wan gave him a soft, sad smile. He knows Anakin values honesty, this boy needs to know he is not alone. 

"We're a team, Obi-Wan. You don't have to be scared by yourself, you know.", Anakin says in a matter of fact tone

. Sometimes, Obi-Wan wonders who is the Master and who is the Padawan. He muses that perhaps, the Master is simply the one who has been a student the longest, but still has much to learn.

"That's right, padawan-mine." 

He makes a sound of surprise when Anakin hugs him. Obi-Wan returns the hug gently, they remain like that until they both feel steadier. Obi-Wan sighs, this boy is going to worm his way into his fragile, battered heart he thinks. His feelings towards his new Padawan are complicated, raw, and new: one thing is for certain Obi-Wan will not abandon this boy. He is moved to compassion for a boy who reminds him too much of himself. And if he can spare Anakin any of the hurt he has endured in his 25 years of life, Obi-Wan will do whatever it takes. 


	3. Exhaustion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan feels overwhelmed.

Their first few weeks in the Temple felt overwhelming. Obi-Wan began to process of trying to teach Anakin to read and write. His young apprentice was like a sponge, and absorbed information eagerly. They read everything together, even the words on the cereal box or the tea tin. Anakin seemed to enjoy learning, though he shut down when something is hard. 

Obi-Wan still wasn’t sleeping great, plagued by nightmares and memories. He couldn’t sleep in Qui-Gon’s bed, and had taken to the recliner instead. He curls up with Qui-Gon’s old comforter and try to rest even if only for a few hours at a time. He could feel the sleep deprivation and exhaustion begin to catch up with him. The young Knight had taken to sleeping during the day when Anakin was away for his classes.

Obi-Wan was not doing well. He was forgetful. If not for Anakin, he would’ve forgotten to eat entirely. His sleep is plagued by awful nightmares. He’s taken to drinking caff and using stimulants to get through the day. He doesn’t feel hungry, just nauseated. He doesn’t feel _good_ either. His headaches are miserable, and he would rather be curled up in bed all day. Obi-Wan’s stomach hurts with a dull radiating pain. 

The knight has his own studies, classes, and assignments to work on. He’s conducting his own research into Darth Maul. He hasn’t told anyone that they _bonded_. There are still ghostly lingers when Obi-Wan can hear or feel Maul. It terrifies him. He is afraid the Council will render him unfit as a guardian, cast him out, and take Anakin from him. Anakin is the only thing keeping Kenobi from completing losing his mind. He made a promise to Qui-Gon, and he was going to keep even if it meant leaving the Order.  
  
  


Obi-Wan was expected to report in front of the Council to give a report on his mission to Naboo and discuss the circumstances of Qui-Gon’s death. He has no desire to relieve Qui-Gon’s death in front of the Council. It’s bad enough to do so every night when he closes his eyes. He has decided to study Soresu instead. Obi-Wan is not as strong nor as massive as Qui-Gon. Given his stature and size, it would benefit him more to be defensive. His ataru left him open and vulnerable to Maul’s perry. Oh, and Obi-Wan still needs a new lightsaber since he lost his on Naboo. 

He is also expected to mediate with Master Yoda, and discuss his lesson plans with Master Plo. Obi-Wan has classes on how to be a teacher to his Padawan. If he’s not in class, writing lesson plans, or working in the library, then Obi-Wan lies on the couch in his quarters and cries himself to sleep. He’s so _kriffing_ tired, and overwhelmed. He doesn’t know how to help Anakin.

Once Anakin comes home from his classes, they have an evening snack, finish homework, and practice their katas. Then it's time for dinner, shower, and bed which itself has a particular routine. Anakin requires exactly two bedtime stories, a hug, and three forehead kisses. Obi-Wan typically will lie in bed with Anakin until the boy falls asleep. Then he sneaks off to finish paperwork, read, mediate, and makes himself a cup of tea. 

More than anything else Obi-Wan wishes desperately for Qui-Gon's guidance, even though that desire is not becoming of a Jedi Knight. Qui-Gon always knew how to make him feel _better_. Kenobi was overcome with grief, though others in the Temple would chide him. “Master Jinn is one with the Force. He is at peace, we should celebrate.” It’s hard to feel any measure of comfortable in the Force when Obi-Wan feels so shattered. He wasn’t ready to let Master Jinn go yet.

Gods it's not supposed to be this way, he's too young to be a Knight with a Padawan. Obi-Wan realizes that he's going to need to shift his major concertation. It will require paperwork, class changes, and ugh, he doesn't want to deal with it right now. His career is shifting down a different path than the one he thought he would. It's a sacrifice he's will to make if it means teaching Anakin.

Anakin was a wonderful child, bright and curious. He asked so many questions. Obi-Wan enjoyed his company. However, it was not easy to navigate the home sickness, the overstimulation, abundance of energy and emotional outbursts. Obi-Wan felt woefully under prepared to help Anakin through his separation anxiety and trauma. He spoke with Master Che about visiting the mind healers. Perhaps they’d both benefit from seeing the Mind Healers.   
  


Anakin had not received any formal education on Tatooine. He would required careful tutelage and help in catching up to his peers. Obi-Wan noticed he does not respond well to raised voices or criticism. Anakin is easily overwhelmed by the amount of choices offered to him at meal time. Food continues to be an issue. The boy worries about food going to waste and is known to hoard snacks.   
  


Obi-Wan began limiting his choices giving him two items to pick between rather than more. And they had fixed a special cabinet for Anakin in the kitchen for snacks. The Knight tried to help alleviate his anxiety. They also visited the Temple’s soup kitchen and served meals, showing Anakin there is little waste and they feed hungry people. Water was another sticky point for Anakin. He couldn’t believe there was no shortage of clean drinkable water.

The boy was often sensitive about the suffering and injustices people experience. They’ve had numerous conversations about slavery and why the Jedi haven’t stepped up to eradicate slavery/poverty/injustice in the Republic. It breaks Obi-Wan’s heart everything Anakin asks if they can free his mom. Homesickness, anxiety and adjustment all contribute to Anakin’s emotional outbursts. Obi-Wan knows he misses his Mom, and the other kids are not kind to him. 

He quietly wonders if Qui-Gon had ever felt as overprotective as Obi-Wan feels. He has this strong desire to protect Anakin from bullies and mean words. Hell, even the kriffing Council has already decide this nine year old is capable of the destruction of the Jedi. For Force sake, Anakin is a nine year old traumatized child whose entire world radically changed. Obi-Wan doesn't blame the kid for being clingy, anxious, or upset. Obi-Wan Kenobi knows quite well what a damning self-fulfilling prophecy looks like. 

Obi-Wan is not going to allow the Council or the Order to put the fate of the entire galaxy on a nine year old's shoulders. It is ridiculously unfair, whether Anakin's actions are for good or for destruction is to be determined. Kark, let him just be a nine year old for, Force sake. He needs affection, empathy, and guidance. Obi-Wan has always been the scape goat, the dangerous one. They almost sent him to the Bandomeer to be a farmer. Kenobi is well acquainted being scape goaded by the Council, he will not let them do the same thing to Anakin.

To help Anakin with his separation anxiety, they began to write letters together once week. Obi-Wan writes to Qui-Gon telling his Master about his new insights into teaching. Whole Anakin writes to his Mom, telling her all the new things he’s learning. They keep them in a box. Obi-Wan knows it might be unorthodox, but he’s desperate to find healthy avenues for Anakin to process his emotions. 

* * *

Obi-Wan slept through his scheduled slot to appear before the Council. They searched the Temple from top to bottom for the Knight. Master Yoda worried as he talked to Jocasta Nu about the amount of time Kenobi spent on the library. It appears Obi-Wan had been investigating his Master’s death. He also checked out quite a few books on moving mediations and ADHD. 

You can imagine the Council’s distress when they combed through the poorly stocked kitchen of the Kenobi-Skywalker apartment. The knight-Padawan duo cannot live on frosted bathna cakes, cheesy droids crackers, and blue milk pudding alone. Mace noticed that it appear Kenobi was not sleeping in his Master’s former room, rather he had taken over the living room. The entire apartment felt like a time capsule Qui-Gon’s hair brush, clothes, tea cup, and boots still in their proper place as if he was just away on mission.   
  


The overseer of the stalles reported the frequent late night sessions Kenobi was known for putting in. He trained intensively, playing over and over again in his mind that fight with Maul. Obi-Wan wanted to be better, so no one else he cares for his ever killed because of his poor swordsmanship. 

  
A conversation with Master Che revealed Kenobi hadn’t a proper check up since the Battle of Naboo. He had come by to inquiry about scheduling an appointment with the mind healers. She noted he was quite distressed and pale when she mentioned Anakin needed to come by for his vaccinations.   
  


They did not find Obi-Wan in his quarters nor the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Feemor had not seen him, neither had his childhood friends Garen, Reeff, Brant or Quinlan. It appeared Kenobi had been ducking their comm messages and refused to accept their help.

They searched the refractory, the gardens, and Dex’s. Obi-Wan hadn’t checked out a speeder for flying either. It was Master Plo who found Obi-Wan sound asleep in the archives. A stack of books surrounded him. His notebook open with careful notes of questions and observations.   
  


Plo carefully shook Obi-Wan’s shoulders, “Kenobi?” His heart ached when he saw the pain and confession painted on the Knight’s face.   
  


“ _Master?_ ”, Kenobi called softly.

”Oh, Obi.”, Plo whispered. He felt the young man’s forehead and found it flash with hit. Kenobi had a fever, and appeared rather dazed. The young man shivered, like he couldn't get warm and confusion flashed in his glassy blue-grey eyes. His breathing appeared labored, and his heart rate rapid.   
  


  
Master Koon notified the Council and carried the young man to the medbay himself. Master Che was waiting for them and she firmly asked the entire Jedi Council to kriff nicely off so she could tend to her patient. If they wanted to be of help, then someone could fetch young Skywalker from his classes once school let out. Vokra Che began running scans determining that a combination of poor sleep hygiene, dehydration, skipped meals, reliance on sheer spite, caf and the Force explained why young Kenobi was currently passed out in the halls of healing.

Once she had begun an IV line of fluids, and ensure Kenobi was in a light sleeping trace, the head healer covered him up with a blanket. Under her careful watch, Obi-Wan Kenobi would not leave until he's eaten, hydrated, and had several nights of sleep, regardless of how much he whines. No one has tended to that young man since his Master's death, and Che would not see him push his bodily limits until he was one with Master Jinn. God knows, Kenobi has a bad habit of pushing his body until he's ill, comatosed, or near death.

Vokra Che stepped into the waiting room nearly stamped by the several banatha stubborn Councilors. She could feel their palpable concern, questions, and collective inquiry about young Kenobi's condition.

"Kenobi's condition how is it?", Master Yoda asked worrying his hands.

"He's severely dehydrated, exhausted, and confused."

"Is Kenobi ill?", Shaak inquired. 

"He's incredibly exhausted and overwhelmed. Kenobi needs several days of rest, care, and sleep in the Halls of Healing. I expect you all to step up and help his Padawan in his absence.", Master Che was firm on the matter, she would not be swayed. 

"We should inform young Skywalker.", Master Plo scrubbed his face tiredly. 

"I expect you all to leave Knight Kenobi alone. He does not need the Council breathing down his neck.", Che said pointedly. 

"Perhaps if he cannot care for himself, the young man is not fit to care for a Padawan.", Rancisis hummed, feeling troubled. 

  
"Reports from Skywalker's teachers suggest that Kenobi has done a fine job in overseeing Anakin's care.", Mundi expressed. 

"I fear we have asked too much of this young knight. Perhaps we should instead of condemning him, offer our support.", Piell agreed with Mundi. 

"Unorthodox this entire affair has been, blame Qui-Gon Jinn's dying wish I do. What a burdensome request of a Master to ask a Padawan.", Yaddle sighed, shaking her head.

"Padawan, Knight Kenobi is no longer. Stand on his own feet he must, trust in the Force we will.", Yoda hummed. 

"I am troubled, Masters, we cannot let this incident go unaddressed. Once Kenobi is well, I expect him to appear before the Council. We have much to discuss about the circumstances regarding Jinn's final hours.", Mace added. 

  
"In the meantime, let's give the young man time to rest. Master Plo, would you be willing to collect young Skywalker?", Tiin suggested. 

"Of course." 

Master Plo waited outside the Creche for Anakin who was confused and upset when Obi-Wan was not there to pick up him. Obi-Wan was a reliable, constant, and steady part of Anakin's day. Plo could feel Anakin's overwhelming, supernova of emotions flood him all at once. The boy was still working to process and shield his emotions. Naturally, not only was he still just a youngling learning, but Anakin experienced the Force so intensely. He was known to have violate feelings because of how quickly his moods could swift. 

"Where's Obi-Wan?", Anakin began to panic. 

"He's not feeling well I'm afraid."

"Is he going to be okay?", Anakin worried his sleeve much like Obi-Wan worries his own robe. 

"Knight Kenobi was taken to the Halls of Healing." 

Plo gently cradled Anakin in the warmth and care of the Force reminding him to take a deep breath as the boy began to cry. 

"H-h-he's so sad, Master Plo. I don't know how to help him!", Anakin cried. 

"It will all be well, Anakin. Do not fret. He's going to get the help he needs.", Master Plo promises.

He makes a hmp of surprise as Anakin gives him a hug. He holds that boy close, rubbing his back until the tears subside. Anakin and Obi-Wan are going to get the help they need. The Council has realized how much the young duo is struggling. 


	4. Big Talks

Anakin was very anxious about each trip to the halls to see Master Obi-Wan. He needed reassurance that Obi-Wan was going to be okay. He couldn’t wait for his Master to be home. He could sense how uncomfortable his Master felt about the Halls.

Obi-Wan did not like needles, medical droids or Mastee Che. Obi-Wan’s breathing a little more labored and his heart rate quickened when medial personnel entered his room. 

Master Plo had been caring for him in Obi-Wan’s stead. Plo was doting, and kind. Anakin thought he gave the best hugs, and enjoyed listening to Plo’s stories. Anakin did admit he has enjoyed his lessons from the other Masters.

Master Yoda taught him about astronomy. Windu taught him a new kata he couldn’t wait to show Obi-Wan. Tiin helped him with his handwriting, and Koth taught him a new moving mediation.   
  


Bant let him help in the Halls, keeping his hands busy. Quin encouraged him to tinker in the garage. Reeft and Garen showed him where the books are in the library. They practiced a new picture book together so Anakin could read to his Master.   
  


Obi-Wan spent about four days in the halls, where he saw a mind healer and received a sleep aid. He had weekly appointments now. And Kenobi planned to have Anakin evaluated too.   
His fever broke early on during his hospitalization. Master Che treated his dehydration. Then encouraged him to rest and recuperation. He mostly slept, read quietly, snacked, and worked on a puzzle.   
  


By day four, Che was happy to see him sleeping through the night. She agreed to discharge him on the condition he complied with her recommendations. Otherwise he’d be right back in the Halls again. Windu has been kind enough to bring Obi-Wan a clean change of clothes and his temple shoes. Obi-Wan showered, and slipped onto his new clothes. He wore a cream colored sweater with his leggings and outer tunic.   
  


With his medicine, appointment card, and discharge instructions, Obi-Wan walked back to his quarter. He made himself a cup of tea and curled up with a holonovel waiting for Anakin to finish his classes. He startled awake when he heard his padawan shuffle in followed throwing down his knapsnack, kicking off his boots, slammed his bedroom door, and wailed loudly. Kenobi had known Anakin to have explosive emotions, he suspected the boy's not only may have trouble regulating his emotions, but feel constantly bombarded by the Force. So much stimui and imput for such a young, inexperience one to process. 

He takes a deep breath, his peace and quiet disrupted, though Kenobi was not upset by this. Obi-Wan thinks for a moment, what would he want his own Master to do? Qui-Gon Jinn had rarely shown him the care and concern he so deeply desired. If he had a bad day at school, then Obi-Wan wishes his Master would've give him space and then approached him. He takes a deep breath, and begins picking up the trail of chaos leading to his padawan's room. 

Once Anakin's boots and backpack on in their proper place, Kenobi makes himself a cup of tea and reads Anakin's progess report from the Creche Masters. Sometimes, its best to do a little investigating.

The progress report noted that Anakin had a short temper all day, and his teachers noticed he was upset. He started the day out of sorts having misplaced his training saber which got him in trouble with the dualing instructor.

Then he had snapped at another student, and was short with his history teacher. Obi-Wan quietly inquired how things were at lunch, the refectory staff noted that he sat alone at lunch. The other kids had made fun of him for his homemade lunch, a practice Obi-Wan had begun for him. 

None of the other kids had packed lunches from their Masters. Well, in Obi-Wan's absence, Master Plo had. Obi-Wan had a jar of little notes and drawings he kept for Anakin's lunches. Anakin had quite liked them, they made him feel less alone. If the note Obi-Wan found in Anakin's knapsack as any indicator, the other kids were picking on him. It made Kenobi's heart ache for his padawan. 

He wanted to handle this gentle, not wanting to spoke or embrass Anakin. The Jedi Knight finishes his cup of tea, giving him enough time to clear his mind and release his emotions into the Force. Obi-Wan knocks at Anakin's door centering himself.

  
"Padawan-mine, would you like to go to Dex's for dinner, and perhaps, go for a drive?" 

"Yes! I-I just need to grab my coat." 

"Excellent." 

"Wait. Are you sure you feel up to it?", concern bleeds through Anakin's voice, he wonders if his Master feels up to it. 

"It would do me some good to have fresh air, Ani."

"Okay." 

  
Anakin puts on a chocolate brown sweater and pulls on his boots. 

"Can I fix your braid for you before we go?"

"Yes, Master."

"You don't have to call me that."

"It's polite.", Anakin chewed his lip.

"You can call me Obi-Wan."

  
Obi-Wan gently combs through Anakin's hair, and undoes the the braid. He plaits together the hair neatly and affectionately.   
  


He helps Anakin up and asks the boy if he can give him a hug. Anakin gives an enthusiastic yes, and Obi-Wan gives him a gentle, firm hug, “Whatever you feel, homesickness, worry, anger, hurt is valid, young one.”

They walk through the walls of the Temple hand in hand. Obi-Wan sends puffs of warm-love-affection-safe to Anakin through their bond. Anakin is quiet until they finally take their seat in the speeder Obi-Wan signed out. 

“I miss my mom.”, the boy sniffled.   
  


“Understandable young one.”

”I worry about you, and the mean things people say about you, Obi-Wan.”

”Ah, don’t you worry about them. I _will_ be okay. I’m getting help, young one.”  
  


“Is it true you killed a Sith?”, Anakin asked worrying his hands in his robe sleeve. Obi-Wan realized the boy had picked up on his nervous habit.   
  


“I did.”

The boy was quiet on the drive to Dex’s. Obi-Wan could feel the boy has many, many question unsure if it was okay to ask them.   
  


Obi-Wan sees how Anakin relaxed once they take their seat at their usual booth. He wonders if Anakin feels more comfortable here than within the Temple. Not surprising, he ponders, especially if the other Padawans, knights and Masters are giving them both a wide berth.

Dex excitedly greets Obi-Wan giving him a big hug.   
  


“Hi, Obi. I have missed you, my friend.”

”And I you.

“Welcome Desert rat. Glad to see you and your Master getting along.”, Dex gave Anakin a high five.   
  


“How long have you known Obi?”

”Since he was about this tall, and come by with Master Jinn.”

”You knew Master Jinn?!””

”Sometime, I’ll tell you about your silly master as a Padawan.”

Dex checks in with Obi-Wan and sees how he’s doing. They talk in group up whispers as Anakin noisily slurps his drink.

  
Over dinner, Obi-Wan helps Anakin with homework and they talk about piloting lessons with Vos. Obi-Wan notices that Anakin is much less tense than before.

They both dig into their nerf burgers and fries. Obi-Wan even allows Anakin to have a sundae which they spilt.   
  


The Padawan-Knight duo sat in the speeder and Obi-Wan finally asks, “Credit for your thoughts?”

”I had a bad day at school.”, Anakin sniffled.

”Tell me about it.”

”I don’t fit in with the other kids.”, Anakin sighed, still hesitant to tell Obi-Wan the truth.   
  
  


“Unfortunately, kids are mean. The Temple is no exclusion. For that I am sorry, I also was bullied at your age.”, Obi-Wan tried to soothe.

”Everything is so hard, Obi-Wan. I want to build a light saber and actually learn something!”

”You are learning the basic foundation. I’m sure there are parts that are challenging and others that are working. It is all for your edification.”

”E-edification?”, Anakin didn’t know that word.

”It means to help you grow your skills that you may be strong and knowledgeable.”

”Oh.”

“Anakin, your entire life changed in an instant. You’re learning a new culture, new skills, with new people in a new place. It’s going to take time.”

”I thought it would be easy.”, Anakin’s lip wobbled 

”It is not easy to become a Jedi Knight, Anakin. It takes a lot of patience, hard work, practice, and study.”

”But Qui-Gon said I’m the Chosen one!”

”Chosen one or not, you have to earn your place. We all do, young one.”   
  


  
“I want to be a Jedi Knight. Master Qui-Gon said I would be!”, Anakin was frustrated.   
  


“ _Patience_ , Anakin. It took me twelve long years to become a Jedi Knight. I didn’t get chosen as a Padawan until I was thirteen.”, the 25 year old reassured.

”Well, there are whispers that _you_ failed Master Qui-Gon. He died. You couldn’t protect him. You weren’t ready to become a Jedi Knight!”, Anakin fussed.   
  


Oh, Obi-Wan knew Anakin was pushing his buttons. He could feel the boy’s erratic emotions through their bond: tired, frustrated, hurt, and homesick. He could react, rather the Knight chose _not_ to.   
  


“I did _not_ fail Qui-Gon. Master Jinn’s own arrogance and overestimate of his own skill got him killed. He pushed ahead without out me and allowed himself to be led into a trap!”, Obi-Wan was calm, and leveled, he squeezed his eyes shut as the tears welled in his eyes.   
  


He was quiet, leaving the booth to pay their dinner bill. Obi-Wan quietly pinched his nose between his fingers trying not to cry. It was the first time he had admitted out loud it was not his fault.

He had played the tape over and over again. Walking through every second with his mind healer, preparing to appear before the Council next week. Obi-Wan _knew_ how their fighting was inadequate and consulted both Master Yoda as well as the Battlemaster on how to improve his saber worker. He would not allow the Sith to beat him next time.   
  


_I have the high ground, Anakin._ Obi-Wan would not allow a nine year old to get the best of him, especially not the untrained nine year old his Master thought had more potential than his student of twelve years.   
  
  
He held his head, feeling an inkling of a vision come over him. Obi-Wan shivered, feeling the hatred and anguish of a broken, twisted dark voice shouting at him, _I hate you._ Oh yes, Obi-Wan was familiar with this particular vision since he was a boy. _  
_

Danger. Anakin is dangerous, Obi-Wan knew that before they left Tatoonie. His master ignored his bad feelings, and the Force whispers of caution.   
  


He knew of exile, wondering in the desert, alone and lost. Of fighting, a battle of grave importance on a warm, firey battlefield.

  
The details weren’t clear, nor The Who. As this recent tragic loss reminded him, Obi-Wan was destined for a life of heartache and loss. _Infinite sadness_ , the Force whispered _._

  
Obi-Wan could still feel the Unifying Force tugging at him. It wanted to tell him more. _Later_. He doesn’t want to get stuck in his head again. 

  
Obi-Wan should not mediate here, and certainly not alone. With Master Yoda and Master Windu, he has much to reflect on.

Anakin is quiet, less satisfied by his angry words feeling the hurt that permeated their bond. He doesn’t know what to do with Obi-Wan’s quiet, gentle response. Watto would’ve yelled or hit him.

Obi-Wan’s anger does not sting the way Watto’s did. It devastates Anakin however. He knows he hurt Obi-Wan, an apology won’t help now. It’s too raw, too new.   
  


Obi-Wan ever the Jedi Master appears calm and level headed. He places a hand on Anakin’s shoulder and guides him to the speeder.   
  


“Let’s go.”

”You don’t want me.”, Anakin said in a matter of fact tone. 

“I chose you, don’t forget that, Anakin.”

”Qui-Gon asked you.”

”I believe it is you, Anakin, who did not want me. I am the consolation prize.”

”But the Force does not lie!”

”Oh, _young one_. Those are your feelings you feel in the Force reflected back at you like a mirror.”, Obi-Wan explains. 

Anakin feels even worse. Obi-Wan is even nice enough to drive them back to the Temple, teach him a new kata, let’s him hold Obi-Wan’s saber in his hands, help him with homework and read to him.   
  


Anakin does not know what to do with such kindness and patience. He thought Obi-Wan might shout or hit him. No, instead, he was cared for! Even though, he knows his words hurt Obi-Wan.   
  


Obi-Wan collapsed on the couch, exhausted. He is at a loss with what to do with Anakin. He is angry with his Master, a big stubborn banatha’s ass. Gone is the hero worship and reverence for a lost Master, right now Obi-Wan is angry with Qui-Gon.   
  


Obi-Wan does not dream of Qui-Gon’a death. No, he thinks of the Bandomeer. Melida/Daan. Zan Arbor. Probation Status. Mandalore. The hurt, anguish and rejection that surrounded the beginning and ending of his apprenticeship. 

_For doubting his skills._

_For asking too much of him._

_For hurt and rejection_

_For denouncing twelve years of partnership_

_For failure to care and nurture_

  
  


Obi-Wan feels hurt and anger towards his Master, not towards the the supplanter, the boy. It was the sins of the Master, not of the student who got them in this situation. _This boy will be the death of me._ Obi-Wan shakes his head tiredly. 


	5. Love Isn’t Attachment

Obi-Wan found it wasn’t just Anakin whispering about the circumstances surrounding Master Jinn’s death. It was younglings, knights and Master who whispered about what happened on Naboo.   
  


Feeling well enough to join the other Masters for a Temple meeting on upcoming Padawan education events, he found them talking amongst their selves: 

_Did you hear Kenobi landed himself in the Halls again?_

_He’s awfully young to be taking on a Padawan.  
  
_

_Skywalker is too old, and unpredictable.  
_

_My Padawan told me Skywalker can’t even read!_

_We should’ve sent Skywalker to AgriCorps.  
  
_

_Kenobi had so much potential. He’ll ruin his career getting saddled with a Padawan with little chance passing knighthood.  
  
_

_Kenobi’s poor swordsmanship got Jinn killed.  
_

Kenobi cleared his throat, “It is unbecoming of Jedi Masters to lower themselves to such unbecoming behavior.”   
  


Obi-Wan was level headed and calm, radiating confidence and tranquility. He was the poster child of the Jedi Order in this moment. Kenboi would be the kind of Master he wish his childhood self needed, for his sake and Anakin.   
  


He listened to the awkward apologies, and murms of his colleagues. Obi-Wan fixed himself a cup of tea, and took his seat with elegance.   
  


“If your Padawans take after your unpleasant manners, it is no wonder my Padawan came home in tears this week subjected to the same Temple gossip.”

Master Yoda had entered the room around the same time as Kenobi. His look of disappointment silenced Knights and Masters alike.   
  


“Right Kenobi is, shame on you and your Padawans.”

The ancient one send a pulse of pride and reassurance to Obi-Wan through their bond.   
  


The meeting began promptly, discussing a Padawan-Master camping trip to Gagan, a planet known for clear waters, bright starry nights and beautiful gardens

It would be an excellent opportunity for learning about the Living Force and bonding. Obi-Wan considered taking Anakin, they haven’t left the Temple yet.   
  


Obi-Wan took notes on the learning objective sheet they were given for this quarter. He made a few notes, and confirmed Anakin’s appointment. He doodles, listening half heartedly, a bit distracted. 

Master Yoda called his name, “Kenobi, see you after class I’d like.”

”Of course, Master.”, Obi-Wan bows.

Yoda dismisses class, and Obi-Wan hangs back shly. He nervously picks at his sleeve like an embarrassed young long.   
  


“Meet with you this afternoon the Council would.”

”Of course, Master.”

”Relax you must. In trouble you or your Padawan are not.”

”Can I ask what you’d like to speak with me about?”

  
  


“Time we talk about Qui-Gon’s death.”

”I thought as much.”, Obi-Wan swallowed.

”Grave oversight it has been not to give you more of our support. Padawan brother Feemor agreed to stay with you and Anakin until you get back on your feet.”

”Oh. I-I couldn’t ask that of Feemor.”

”Alone you cannot balance grieving, self care and mentoring a youngling.”

Obi-Wan was struggling to keep a calm and tranquil facade. He’d never been able to lie to Master Yoda. In many ways the ancient Master not just Grandmaster of the Order and linage, but a friend and mentor.   
  


“We get by.”, Kenobi swallowed.

”Landed in the halls you did trying this alone.”

Master Yoda gave him a soft, affectionate caring room. Obi-Wan’s steel reservoir that held back his flood of emotions started to crack.   
  


“I-I’m having a hard time with Ani, Master.”, his voice wobbles betraying his emotions. Kenobi sniffled to avoid crying in front of his grand master. 

  
  


“Fix you a cup of tea and wash your face before the Council meeting.”

Obi-Wan allows Yoda to herd him into his quarters and fix a cup of tea. It does not go remiss the ancient one fixed a cup of Jasmine, Qui-Gon’s favorite.   
  


He pushes a box of tissues in front of the Knight, a plate of biscuits and a cup of tea. And if Obi-Wan cries, the ancient one does not comment 

“Tell you what happened if you wish.”

  
“Anakin and I fought. ”, Obi-Wan sighed sadly. 

“Oh, _Padawan-mine_. Long this apprenticeship will be. Fights and hurt words there will be.”, Yoda took his hand.

Obi-Wan began retelling the story of Anakin coming home short, taking him to Dex’s, and exchanging heated words. The poor boy had been picked on by his peers and subjected to the swill of Temple Gossip.   
  


  
“He would rather have Master Qui-Gon as a Master.”, Obi-Wan looked dejectedly into his cup of tea. 

“Not an ideal match a Jinn-Skywalker team. Jinn lacked the discipline and structure to be an adequate Master for Anakin.”

”I fear I am too strict, too rigid. The boy needs clear expectations yes, but allowed to be a child he must.”, Obi-Wan sighed. He felt he was too closed off, and cold to be a good Master to his padawan.

“Follow your heart, Obi-Wan. It will show you the way of how to mentor and care for this young one.”

“I love him, Master.”, Obi-Wan’s eyes fill with tears. Yoda could feel the shame-guilt-anxiety rolling off the young Knight.   
  


Master Yoda closed his eyes searching the Force as he visualized the bond between Obi-Wan and Anakin. It was secure, growing expansively, much potential there.

He also noted that the severed bond between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan while closed and healing, still pulsated with hurt and rejection. It had become gnarled, twisted, and inky black again.

No wonder Obi-Wan felt overwhelmed, an old bond ached with pain and as another began something anew. 

“To love a Padawan is expected, you took this youngling into your heart when it had been broken.”

“I didn’t want to love him, Master. I wanted to resent him, to hate him, to cast him into the sea.”

“Pressured you felt to take him as your Padawan.”

” _At first_. I later realized it was the Master, not the child who tried to replace me.”

”Any regrets you feel?”

”Only that I did not push for help sooner.”

”Attached you and this boy are, two sides of the same coin. I feel a powerful bond trying to take root.”

”You aren’t going to take him away from me, right?”

”Wrong that would be, love him you do. Bonded you both are, soulmates, even.” , Master Yoda giggled.   
  


“Ugh. Soulmates?”, Obi-Wan makes a grossed out look. He does not have romantic feelings for a nine year old. 

“You have a soul bond, Obi-Wan. Romantic it is not, friends you are. Brothers. Complete each other you and Anakin do.”

“Aren’t soul bonds forbidden?”

”Forge bonds easily your Padawan does, already feel bonds between his Councilor caregivers and even his great-great-grandmaster.”, Yoda hummed.   
  


“You said he was dangerous.”

“Still he is. Such deeply forged bonds can make attachments and feed fear of loss.”

“I’ll talk with his Mind Healer. We’ll work on attachments. He’s used to love and affection, which I will not deny him.”

Love is okay, possession of people is not. Obi-Wan knows they need to work on his padawan’s fears of loss and death. 

”A bad thing attachments are not. You need attachments, Obi-Wan, your connection to your Master was traumatically torn away. Relationship help you heal.”  
  


  
“I think I’ll use the refresher now.”

Obi-Wan took a moment to wash his face, and taking a centering breath. His eyes still looked red and puffy from crying. He looked awful.

Well, he supposed he won’t look much better before the Council anyway. They want to talk about Qui-Gon’s death.

”Soulmates with a kriffing nine year old, Force help me.”, Obi-Wan shook his head.

He collected himself before appear in Yoda’s kitchen again. Obi-Wan eluded even Master Yoda with his tightly he pulled his shields, reflecting peace and tranquillity. 

”Much stronger you are than you give yourself credit.”, Master Yoda remarked.

“I feel like I’m fragile. One strong wind, and I’ll disintegrate into ashes.”

”Endured more headache than one should in one life time you gave.”, Master Yoda pulled Obi-Wan into a hug.   
  


“I don’t feel strong or brave.”

”Posses such resilience and tenacity, you do, _Ben_.”

Master Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi walk to the Council Chamber together. _There is no emotions, there is peace._ Obi-Wan cannot outrun the Council and Qui-Gon’s death any longer.   
  


Even with sadness in his heart, Obi-Wan smiled, “All I know to do is to get up and keep fighting.”


	6. Recall

Once before the Council, Obi-Wan bowed his head, his body braced for a hand to strike him. He could feel the rise of panic-concern-sadness in the Force.   
  


Obi-Wan was apologetic, “Forgive me, I failed this order, my Master, and most importantly, my vows.”

He countered the Councilors’ emotions with embarrassment-shame-guilt. His vulnerability cut thickly through the room. 

” _Oh, lad._ Rise. We are not going to hit you.”, Plo Koon croned, his voice soft with concern and care.   
  


“Little one, why do you think you have failed?”, Tiin asked.   
  


“I-I should’ve spoken up about my bad feeling about Naboo.”, Obi-Wan’s voice hitched.   
  


“It was I who was _skeptical_ when Jinn reported Sith activity. Believed him I should’ve, Knight Kenobi.”, Mindu’s eyes were wet.   
  


“Failed you and Master Jinn this Council _did,_ did not listen we did.”, Yaddle sighed.   
  


“The Sith have returned. We will change our mission protocol.Everyone sent into the field must be prepared to fight for their lives.”, Windu rubbed his temple, feeling a headache already forming. 

”May I speak freely?”, Kenobi asked.

”May you, yes.”, Yoda affirmed.   
  


“Our fighting style is insufficient against the sith. All Jedi should not just focus on a primary form but integrate other forms into rote muscle memory.”

”Wish to study another form do you?”, Master Yoda inquired.   
  


“Soresu.”

“It’ll help to balance your Ataru. Why did you chose Soresu?”, Koth asked.   
  
  


”I realized Ataru lacks defense capacities, which is why Jinn and I struggled against Darth Maul.   
  


  
“Have you spoken with the Battle master?”, Rancisis asked.

”Not yet. But I’d like to incorporate Makashi and Djem once I have learned Soresu as a base.”

”You are a wise and bright young man, Kenobi. If you’d wish to continue your studies, I believe the Council would be inclined to support you.”, Depra smiled softly.

“I would like that.”, Obi-Wam bowed.   
  


“Risen to the challenges of knighthood and mentoring you have, Knight Kenobi.”, Yoda beamed.

“I do not feel I have done enough.”, Obi-Wan bowed his head again as self doubt rose to the surface.

” _Obi-Wan.”,_ Plomurmured quietly, “We asked much of you. If you need our help, it is no burden.”

”Knighthood is marked by independence and autonomy.”, the knight countered.   
  


“The reason Jedi live in the Temple is we need each other to support one another. The raising and mentoring of Anakin is not just your task, but the community’s.”

Obi-Wan swallows thickly, “We thank you for your help and support.” He was not in a position to refuse his Padawan the mentorship and wisdom of the Council. 

”Why don’t you sit down? Let’s begin.”

Depra sat beside him taking Obi-Wan and giving it a squeeze. They slipped into a mediative position. Obi-Wan opened his impressive, impenetrable shields and listen for Depra’s steady guiding in the Force.

  
Obi-Wan projects the memory of fighting alongside his Master. They tried to face the Sith together alternating back and forth.   
  


The sith hereded them down a narrow hallway. Obi-Wan shuddered as he described the red laser gates. Maul had baited them, wanting to separate the pair. In his concern, Qui-Gon had let himself be guided into a non-ideal environment, Obi-Wan knows his Master’s fatal misaktes, can feel his anxiety.   
  


Master Jinn, whether anxious or arrogant, Obi-Wan did not know, was backed into a corner. He stopped to mediate, bowing his head and asking the Force for guidance.   
  


Obi-Wan’s heart ached as he thought of the calm, knowing look. Did he know he was going to die? All the vigorous fight seeped out of his Master after that mediation, like he gave up. Obi-Wan shuddered.

The knight’s breath hitches as he describes the horrific grasp his Master took when the Dark Saber pierced his side.   
  


“Was the Sith the Master or the Apprentice?”, Windu asked.

”The Apprentice.”

”Are you sure?”

”He was far too arrogant to be the Master. The Sith could’ve killed me, would’ve if he hadn’t show boated and I found an opening.”

Obi-Wan described his frantic movement meeting the Sith blow by blow. He nearly fell to his death, but cling to dear life. Kenobi used the Force to pivot back to the high ground and called Jinn’s lightsaber.   
  


He fought hard, sending the Sith to his death. Obi-Wan felt the bile rose in his throat, he wanted to hurt the Sith the way he hurt Qui-Gon. He remembers the sickly feeling of releasing his anger and hatred into the Force.   
  


Obi-Wan’s breath quickened as he thought about holding his Master’s broken body in his arms. He’s going to be sick. His mind quickly closes as he covers his mouth with his hand.

Obi-Wan runs out of the Council chambers and into the bathroom where he is violently ill.   
  


Tears filled his eyes as he retched unpleasantly into the toilet bowl. The door opened, “Obi-Wan, it’s me.”

Feemor gentle rubbed circles on Kenobi’s back, trying to sooth him, “Easy there. Just let it happen.”

Obi-Wan coughed, expelling his stomach contents. He rested his head on his arm when he finished.   
  


“Sorry.”, Obi-Wan said weakly.

“The Council dismissed you for today. They heard what they needed. You did good.”

”I didn’t finish.”

”It’s okay.”

Obi-Wan cried as Feemor held him in his strong arms.   
  


“I’m so sorry. I couldn’t save him.”, Kenobi hiccuped.

”Obi, it’s not your fault.”

”I knew something bad was going to happen.”, he cried.

”Shhhh. It’s not your fault.”

They stayed there until Obi-Wan’s sobs subsided. Feeler held his younger padawan brother.   
  


“I’m sorry I wasn’t at the funeral.”

”Duty comes first.”

”Naboo never should’ve happened.”

”Let’s go home.”

Feemor helped Obi-Wan onto his feet and they walked back to his quarters. Obi-Wan did not have to have this grief on his own. His big brother is more than happy to have his back. 


	7. Lineage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan gets taken care of for a change.

Obi-Wan felt drift in an endless ocean of emotions, unable to find his way back to shore. Talking about Qui-Gon’s death shook him to his core, he quietly wondered if his life would ever be whole again

  
Feemor gently guided him back his quarters, pushing him into the refresher for a shower. Once Obi-Wan was clean and out his vomit stained clothes, he sat on the couch starting into space, lost in the void of his shattered emotional state.

There wasn’t much Feemor knew to do other than wrap his Palawan-brother in a blanket and hold him. He ran a hair through Kenobi’s copper mop, murmuring to him softly.

”You aren’t alone, Obi. I’ll stay as long as it takes.”, Feemor reassured.

“Can’t stay like this.”, Obi-Wan whispered.   
  


“No fault you for being upset after Council.”

”Anakin will be home soon.”

  
  


”Let me worry about it.”

With a light Force suggestion, Obi-Wan passed out on the couch. Anakin was surprised to come home from school to see an unfamiliar person in their home.

”Hi I’m Feemor. Obi-Wan’s older padawan-brother.”

”Wizard. I didn’t know Obi had an older brother!”

”Yes, little one. I was Master Jinn’s first padawan.”   
  


Anakin glanced nervously at Obi-Wan’s sleeping form. “Is he okay?”

”Obes had a rough day, but he’s sleeping now.”

”Are you staying with us?”, Anakin noted Feemor preparing a snack in the kitchen.

  
  
“Until you get back on your feet, yes.”

Anakin nodded politely. He didn’t have to be told what to do. He went to change clothes, and came to the kitchen table to do homework.

Feemor was more than happy to help the boy. Anakin had many questions about Master Jinn and Obi-Wan. Having raised several padawans himself, Feemor knew when a child had a burning question they were afraid to ask.

”Is there something on your mind, little one?”

”Will Obi-Wan and I ever be okay?”

”It may take time, but yes, I think you both will.”

“I did something Obi might not be happy about.”

”What’s that?”

”I told on him to Master Che. She’s scheduled us to both see Minder Healers.”

Feemor suppressed a giggle. “I see. Master Vokra Che is a force to be reckoned with. I _suppose_ he’ll have to comply.”, the blond master gave him a cheeky grin. 

* * *

Feemor stayed with Anakin and Obi-Wan for as long as they needed. Kenobi and padawan began seeing mind healers. Obi-Wan even started taking an anti-depressant which made his brain feel foggy at first.

It was a slow process of adjusting and find the right dose. At first, Obi-Wan felt like a Zombie, struggling to get out of bed, dress, and take care of himself let along Anakin.

Feemor was there to prepare meals, see Anakin off to the crèche, and coax Obi-Wan into the living room. The early days, Obi-Wan sat in his blanket curled up on the couch staring into blank space.

Around six weeks later, Obi-Wan felt a lighter. Things were still hard, but getting better. Anakin and Feemor quietly delighted in Obi-Wan joining them at the table for breakfast wearing his Jedi attire, and sporting the beginnings of a beard.   
  


He threw himself into his classes, training, and mentoring. Obi-Wan knew if he was too tired to dream he wouldn’t be confronted with his Master’s death when he closed his eyes.

Anakin marveled at watching Feemor and Obi-Wan spar. They both taught him like the older brothers that were. Anakin had never had big brothers before.   
  
  


Underneath, the grief and exhaustion, Obi-Wan was a cheeky bastard. He pulled pranks on Anakin, the boy retailed. He laughed more.   
  


Obi-Wan poured himself into being better for Anakin’s sake. He was a natural teacher, finding aways to make things interesting for Anakin.

He seemed to understand the boy’s homesickness, and worked quietly with Padme to arrange safety for Anakin’s mother, know a refugee on Naboo.

They wrote her letters about their adventures. Feemot and Obi-Wan took Anakin on outing in the city. Despite his youth and inexperience, Obi-Wan had always liked mentoring younglings.

The Council was mesmerized by the strength of Anakin and Obi-Wan’s bond. It seemed like day by day they were finding their way.   
  


The lineage enjoyed a day at the beach, needing to get away from the doom and gloom of the apartment.   
  


“Are you still sad, Master?”, Anakin asked as they laid on the sandy beach, still wet from playing in the water.   
  


“I’ll always miss my Master. But I think I will be okay as long as I have you by my side.”

”You mean that, Obi?”

”I do. You’re my lineage now too.”

”A family?”

”Yes. And I’ve arrange a surprise for you.”

”What?”

Obi-Wan handed him a letter from his Mom.

Anakin torn it open, and read it. Tears in his eyes, “You save my Mom?”

”Yes, she’s on Naboo.”

”Can I visit her?”

”Soon, I promise. You both need to get settled first.”

”Oh, thank you.”, Anakin gives him a big hug.

”She is safe. And you can focus on your studies.”

”Feemor, did you know?”, Anakin bounced on his feet.

”I knew he was working on something important.”

”Obi-Wan saved my mom.”

”Congratulations.”

The boy hands the letter back for safe keeping. He has the biggest smile on his face as he runs back to the water and Bant catches him.   
  


“Obi-Wan.”, Feemor chided.

Obi-Wan smirked behind his sunglasses, “I know what I am doing.”

”You are a big softie.”, Feemor flung sand on him.

”I know what it’s like to lose a parent. I wanted to spare him that.”

“You are attached to that boy.”

”Attachments are exactly what this boy needs.”

”He is to be a Jedi.”

”And he will. But he is not like us.”

”Obi, that’s dangerous territory you’ve entered.”

”Let’s see how it goes.”

Feemor and Obi-Wan watch Anakin play happily. The darkness in the boy begins to lift as he can be freed from fear. The first time he talks to his mother via hologram Obi-Wan can sense how balanced he has become.


End file.
